A Change of Heart

It's amazing how quickly we hijack God for our own purposes.  As a preface, let me say that I am going to Japan.  Actually, my whole family is going to Japan.  I'll be starting a new job there, starting a new life.  When we first closed our hedge fund, my wife and I prayed to God for a job, any job.  We prayed earnestly that he would open doors and that he would give us a ready heart to go anywhere that he guided.  And then this company in Japan gave me an offer.  At first I was very excited, as was my wife.  But then, that excitement died when they detailed the compensation package.  So I went straight from, "God, please give me a job and I'll go wherever you want" to "This can't be God's will".  What was the factor that made me question if this was God opening a door?  As an aside, I have to mention that EVERY single other opportunity I'd pursued was slammed shut in my face, including a very promising, last-minute potential in NYC.  The one factor that pushed me from "thank you" to "no way" was...money (ok, and a bit of pride).  I couldn't believe that they were asking me to come to Japan without a full expat package.  I somehow rationalized that God couldn't possibly want me to take a job in Japan for that kind of money, it wasn't and couldn't be his will.  I couldn't handle the bruise to my ego (even though I had proclaimed that I'd left my ego at the door when my fund closed).  My heart was hardened to the only door that had been left open for me.  I began to question, is this a door that God has opened or is this the ultimate test of faith wherein I say no to a job offer in hand and wait for God to deliver something spectacular.  But as the days passed and I reflected on my situation, it dawned on me that my ego, greed and pride were standing in the way of a perfectly good job that God had provided in the middle of possibly the worst job market in 30+ years.  As I reflected on the things that my wife and I had prayed about before the company detailed the offer, I realized that God had given me everything that we had prayed about.  The only catch was the money.  I had a moment of clarity when I was talking to some friends about how bad the job market was for people in my profession these days.  It was then and there that my heart changed from a hardened, prideful heart to a chastened, humbled and ultimately thankful heart.  God had provided a wonderful opportunity for my family to live in a new culture.  To be a beacon of Christ in a Christ-less society.  To experience new things and live a different life.  So I have peace.  And I have something better, a realization that through those months of feeling abandoned by God, of not knowing where I'd end up, God was creating a situation to take care of my every need.  Now I go to Japan with a thankful and humble heart.  Even the fact that I go with not as much money as I had hoped has taught me a great lesson.  He is asking me to go and to trust in him, that I don't need a big expat package to have security and comfort.  That as long as my trust is in the sovereign God, I have nothing to fear.  Even in my deepest moments of despair, he is beside me, preparing a path for me.