A Change of Heart

It's amazing how quickly we hijack God for our own purposes.  As a preface, let me say that I am going to Japan.  Actually, my whole family is going to Japan.  I'll be starting a new job there, starting a new life.  When we first closed our hedge fund, my wife and I prayed to God for a job, any job.  We prayed earnestly that he would open doors and that he would give us a ready heart to go anywhere that he guided.  And then this company in Japan gave me an offer.  At first I was very excited, as was my wife.  But then, that excitement died when they detailed the compensation package.  So I went straight from, "God, please give me a job and I'll go wherever you want" to "This can't be God's will".  What was the factor that made me question if this was God opening a door?  As an aside, I have to mention that EVERY single other opportunity I'd pursued was slammed shut in my face, including a very promising, last-minute potential in NYC.  The one factor that pushed me from "thank you" to "no way" was...money (ok, and a bit of pride).  I couldn't believe that they were asking me to come to Japan without a full expat package.  I somehow rationalized that God couldn't possibly want me to take a job in Japan for that kind of money, it wasn't and couldn't be his will.  I couldn't handle the bruise to my ego (even though I had proclaimed that I'd left my ego at the door when my fund closed).  My heart was hardened to the only door that had been left open for me.  I began to question, is this a door that God has opened or is this the ultimate test of faith wherein I say no to a job offer in hand and wait for God to deliver something spectacular.  But as the days passed and I reflected on my situation, it dawned on me that my ego, greed and pride were standing in the way of a perfectly good job that God had provided in the middle of possibly the worst job market in 30+ years.  As I reflected on the things that my wife and I had prayed about before the company detailed the offer, I realized that God had given me everything that we had prayed about.  The only catch was the money.  I had a moment of clarity when I was talking to some friends about how bad the job market was for people in my profession these days.  It was then and there that my heart changed from a hardened, prideful heart to a chastened, humbled and ultimately thankful heart.  God had provided a wonderful opportunity for my family to live in a new culture.  To be a beacon of Christ in a Christ-less society.  To experience new things and live a different life.  So I have peace.  And I have something better, a realization that through those months of feeling abandoned by God, of not knowing where I'd end up, God was creating a situation to take care of my every need.  Now I go to Japan with a thankful and humble heart.  Even the fact that I go with not as much money as I had hoped has taught me a great lesson.  He is asking me to go and to trust in him, that I don't need a big expat package to have security and comfort.  That as long as my trust is in the sovereign God, I have nothing to fear.  Even in my deepest moments of despair, he is beside me, preparing a path for me.

Peace Amidst Worry

I'm back into Matthew 6:33 where Jesus tells the crowd gathered around him to seek first God's kingdom and God's righteousness and all these things will be added unto you. I've used this verse in a previous post to emphasize that our chief goal in life is to seek him and to follow his ways. But something hit me today on this verse. I realized that I--and probably a whole lot of you as well--have either consciously or unconsciously focused much of our attention on the second half of this verse. IF we seek his kingdom and his righteousness, all these things, i.e., all that we need, will be added unto us. I've never read this verse to mean that I'd be luxuriously taken care of, but that as verse 32 tells us God knows that we need our necessities. I think this interpretation is true, but I see a greater meaning in this passage. Verse 33 is nestled in a section that deals with the worries of this life, and Jesus admonishes his listeners not to worry. As Jesus says in verse 25, the body is more important than clothes and life more important than food. What Jesus is promising us is that if we seek his kingdom and his righteousness, God will give us peace. A peace that surpasses all understanding even during the most tumultuous periods of our lives. That is the true gift that God will add unto us if we but seek him first. Yes, God will take care of our needs, but more importantly God will give us a peace that is even more important than clothes or food. For how much comfort is there in life if we have clothes and food but cannot free ourselves from the worries of this world that drive us insane.

It's been almost 6 months now since I've really gone to work. I've had a lot of ups and downs, but I've been slowly gaining peace. The secular world will say that I'm just getting accustomed to my unemployed lifestyle or that I've become numb to my plight. I suspect there is some of that as my sinful self can't be fully spared this human failing, but I believe that I'm slowly learning to wait on God's time. And accepting God's time gives peace. Not that the peace is constant or continually joyous, but it's a process that stretches and grows our faith.

Why me?

Ever wonder what Peter must have thought when Jesus singled him out to be the lone person that would explicitly disown Jesus? Jesus had just called him out, in front of all the other disciples. Shame? Rage? Indignation? All four gospels have some variation of the narrative, but I find the passages in Matthew and Mark particularly interesting. I've copied both passages here:

Matthew 26:35
But Peter declared, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." And all the other disciples said the same.

Mark 14:31
But Peter insisted emphatically, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." And all the others said the same.

It's funny but for most of my life, I never noticed that last sentence in each account. But in preparing for Bible study a few weeks ago, I noticed that Mark's account says that "all the others said the same". Matthew confirms this. So for so long, I always thought it was Peter's lone bravado that had him declaring front and center that he'd die for Jesus. But that's not the case. ALL the disciples said the same. True, it may have been Peter who led the chorus, but every single one of them echoed Peter's words. So it must have been to Peter's dismay when Jesus pointed to him and declared to everyone that it was Peter who would be the one to specifically disown him, not once, but three times. We can only guess at Peter's reaction, but one of them must have been, "Why me?"

Why is it that Peter gets singled out? If Jesus is using this incident to teach Peter about humility and his weakness apart from Christ, isn't that a valuable lesson that each and every disciple could and should learn as well? How much grace would every disciple have felt, as Peter did, when Christ after the resurrection accepts Peter and charges him with his apostolic mission?

I'm sure the reasons are far and deep, but one thought that runs into my mind is that God hits the nerves in us that run most deep. From the Gospel accounts we know that Peter is often the most vocal and most brash of the twelve. He is also the de facto leader. From the four Gospel narratives we know it's Peter who begins the protestations of never leaving Jesus' side. Perhaps it's Peter who most needed to see that he himself is not able to abide by Jesus's side. That it's not from his own strength, courage and determination that he is able to carry Christ's cross. Peter needed to see, in a most painful way, that he is not able to meet God on his own strength. When faced with fear and temptation, he falls. Truly all the other disciples would learn a similar lesson from such an episode. But perhaps in God's wisdom it was Peter who would learn most from such an experience. We can only imagine how much pain and yet how much grace and forgiveness Peter must have felt when he meets the risen Christ.

When we look inside our own hearts, what is it that runs most deep? When we quietly question God, "why me?" when those things that are dearest to us don't seem to be going our way, is it God's way of striking at what's taking up the most real estate in our hearts?

All the Kingdoms of the World

For some reason I've been thinking the last couple of days about Christ's temptation in the desert. We all remember the Sunday school lessons on Satan's attempts at leading Jesus away from God, and how Jesus uses Scripture to turn Satan away. In some ways it's fantastical because there's no way we'll ever be tempted to turn stones into bread to satisfy our hunger (that's a unique temptation to the Son of God since no person could ever do that). And I doubt anyone in their sane mind would want to jump off a building to see if angels come and swoop them up. But Satan's third temptation, the one where he promises Jesus all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor, has been on my mind.

I'm not sure why I've been thinking about this, but I started thinking about what can I learn about my life and how I'm supposed to live through what Jesus went through in the desert. I've never been taken to the highest mountains and been shown all the world by Satan. But who of us hasn't been shown vast material wealth on television? Who of us doesn't have or know of a friend/acquaintance/colleague who's struck it big and leads a lifestyle of the rich and famous? We're constantly fed images of wealth and material accumulation. So much so in fact that we begin to think that our goal in life is to gather assets and watch those assets grow.

I vaguely remember watching some made for TV movie where Satan was a man in a black suit and he took a person (who I think was Jesus--remember, made for TV, not great quality!) high up on some mountain and showed them the world. Now most, and I daresay all, of us will never be supernaturally taken to some high point and tempted in this manner, but it happens to us everyday. Everyday I'm thinking of ways to make money, gather assets and hoard. I see what someone I know has, and my mind whirls into action into how I can get that same thing.

I guess for me a realization was that Jesus' temptation in the desert is not some fantastical event that can only happen to the Son of God. We undergo the very same temptations each and every day. We so often forsake God for quick satisfaction of our physical needs (turning stone into bread). We so often go against God when someone belittles our assumed abilities and dents our pride (jump and be saved by angels). We so often covet and lust when we see the riches of the world (bow down to Satan and receive the kingdoms of the world). Satan shows us the kingdoms of the world every day, and how many of us fall for it? How many of us have that idol in our heart?

We need to look to Jesus, who was able to resist temptation by shining the truth of Scripture on the lies of Satan. How often do we fail because our hearts listen to the lies of temptation?

God's Will

How often do we sit around, especially when things aren't going in life as well as we'd like, and think to ourselves, "if only God would just tell me what I am supposed to do". In the depths of difficulties, we desperately cling to the hope that in some awesome and miraculous way God will text message or email us the next 10 steps we're supposed to take in our lives. Unfortunately, that rarely seems to happen in any Christian's life. Not to be deterred by our failures, how many of us continue to hope, pray and ask God over and over again to reveal his will for our lives? Why do we continue to ask for revelation of divine will in our very ordinary lives when answers are so rarely if ever forthcoming? We have this problem of trying to figure out God's will because we think knowing his will will somehow alleviate all of our worries.

There's comfort in certainty. I used to invest professionally for a living, and the one thing that's worse than owning a stock that's down 25% on a bad quarter is the uncertainty leading up to that earnings report. The human mind has an uncanny ability to absorb bad news and move on, but we are frightfully terrible at handling uncertainty. I think when we ask for God's will to be revealed in our lives, we are seeking the security of certainty. Even if God is going to have us sell everything and send us to Africa to be a missionary, as long as we know for certain that it is God's will, then we'll be happy and content knowing we are fulfilling the Divine Creator's specific desire for our lives. It's that pursuit of certainty and the feeling of security that certainty provides which pushes us to ask for his will to be revealed.

But is that God's desire for our lives?

I think most of us feel that if we could divine God's will, then all of our problems would be solved. We'd be less anxious, we'd be less stressed and we'd definitely sleep a lot better knowing that we were doing the explicit will of our Heavenly Father. But I think we approach this whole issue of God's will in a backwards way. We think that IF only God would show us his will, then all of our problems would go away because we'd be in a good spot with God. But why do we have this problem in the first place?

Our problem results because our hearts are focused on this life, on this world. Micah 6:8, one of my favorite verses, reads: "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Matthew 6:33 reads: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

What God is telling us is that we need to focus on him. And he has promised us that if we do so, all the things that we need will be provided. Let's go back to the problem of trying to figure out what God wants us to do in our lives. Well, he tells us very explicitly in the two verses I've quoted. He wants us to focus on him, to live as he has taught us and to seek him above all. The amazing thing is that if we do as he calls us to do, all those problems we have of trying to figure out his will kind of just disappear. The certainty of things in this life become less and less important as our hearts focus solely on him. God is wise. He knew before time that our sinful hearts would constantly seek the security of certainty. And so he gave us his Word, which tells us to focus on him. In doing so, our certainty doesn't rest on where we'll live or what job we'll have, but on the one and true eternal God.

Who Builds the House?

Psalm 127:1-2 reads, "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In Vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat--for he grants sleep to those he loves."

Going into my second month of inactivity, I've been feeling very anxious. I think we're conditioned to think that if we're not busy and moving ahead, we're really not making progress in our lives. One of the greatest judgments one can place on anyone in our society is that they are lazy. Being accused of laziness occupies that circle of hell reserved for losers and worthless people in our modern times. Well, as I look for a job and wait for God's plan to unfold, I keep getting these panic attacks that I'm not doing enough to further my job search. I keep thinking only if I do more, try harder, call more people then maybe some job will magically appear.

I turned to the Bible tonight because I needed something to soothe my mind over the seeming current reality that I'm eminently unemployable. I turned to the Psalms and after reading a few short chapters came unto 127. How much clearer can God be in his Word to us that we do not succeed in anything by our own efforts. Surely the laborers can build a house without God. In fact, we see houses built all the time by people far from God. Even more certainly cities and civilizations have been built over history by people far from God. And yet God, in his Word, says that without him the laborers build in vain. More than that God says that he will build the house for us.

This passage reminds me that no matter how much I can or have built up my life, if I haven't done it to bring praise and glory to our Lord and Savior, then it's all been done in vain. If God's purposes are not central to everything that we do, then all that we think we've done is for naught. Sure we may enjoy temporary success and achieve some level of enjoyment in our actions and deeds, but they will not resonate in eternity. We have not served our God by doing things on our own for our own good.

And God promises at the end of verse 2 that if we put him first, then he will give us sleep. No more toiling and struggling. He will give us rest and provide for us. Can I approach this period with a whole heart focused on God and trusting in his divine providence? Or do I let these frequent attacks of anxiety and worry divide my heart? On my own strength I know for a fact that my heart will gravitate to things that will dull the anxiety. And we have so many distractions in our lives that can do that. But on God's strength I know for a fact that he will give me the strength to focus on him and lean on him.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

James 4:14: "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

Why do we worry about the future? I worry because I have fear that future events will not play out according to my plan, on my time schedule and with my intended results. How many of us worry about what will happen five or ten years from now? As harsh as it reads, James' admonishment that we don't even know what will happen tomorrow is so true. We have absolutely no idea what will happen tomorrow. And for that matter what will happen in the next ten seconds. And yet, here I sit, worried and anxious about how I'm going to support my family in 2009.

But why is worrying so bad? Doesn't worrying lead to planning and planning to prudence? Doesn't worrying make us cautious and therefore prevent us from making rash and even stupid decisions? At the heart of worry is a lack of confidence in the future. We worry about our kids because we can't be certain that they will be healthy and safe all the time. We worry about our finances because we don't have complete job security. We worry about our health because we know that illnesses and disease are mostly a matter of when not if.

But the God of creation has promised us in his Word that we do not need to worry, that he will provide all that we need. I think we need to remember two things with regard to God's promises of provision. First, a lot of us want assurances that extend beyond just today. We want long term heavenly contracts from God that promise us such and such for the duration of our lives. But God never promises multi year contracts. He says he will provide each day's manna. And why just each day's? Our God wants us to rely on him and nothing else, each and every day. How many of us would continue to seek God's presence if he sent us a contract that said, "Dear XYZ, I, the God of the universe, will provide everything that you need for the next 10 years." I think a lot of us would live our lives as we want and turn to God in 9.9 years as it comes time to renew that contract. God wants us to know him constantly, not once every 10 years. Second, a lot of us want God's assurances of provision to mean we will live a great, comfortable life. Yes, God promises to clothe and feed and shelter us. But the heart of his promise is to provide all that we need for our salvation and spiritual well being. I know that will disappoint many people, but how much more important is your spiritual well being than your physical? Mark 8:36 reads, "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" The world tells us that this life here and now is all that matters, and so we worry to no end. God tells us that this life is but a blink of an eye compared to eternity, and therefore we do not need to worry because our eternity has been taken care of once and for all.

Worrying reveals that our hearts are not fully on God. More than that, worries crowd our heart and push God into a small corner. Our hearts yearn for assurances of security and plenty in this life. But we all know from experience that what our heart desires of this world we can never have. How many of us have zero worries, no matter how perfect we think our lives are? We worry because our hearts are divided and not focused solely on God. Only when we let God into our hearts and he pushes out all the competing desires of our hearts can we live a life that has less and less worry.

Childlike

We celebrated one of my daughter's 3rd birthday party a couple weeks ago. It was a simple occasion. We went to one of those indoor playgrounds with a massive ball pool, just my 2 girls and their 2 cousins. Afterwards, we had dinner at Applebee's, nothing fancy at all. After the meal, we stuck 3 candles into a piece of chocolate cake and my daughter had just the best time blowing out those candles after her sister and cousins sang "Happy Birthday".

I realized after seeing this that with children, it's so simple. They enjoy the true essence of the moment. So what if the dinner was plain and the cake was just a piece of cake and there were no party favors? Would my daughter have enjoyed the cake more if it were bigger? Not at all! It's not like she would have eaten more than she did. She didn't need all the artifice we as adults need to make us feel like we are getting treated special on our birthdays. She was surrounded by her family, she had cake, and everyone sang for her. She was enjoying the pure essence of people celebrating her birthday.

It so happened that that weeks' Bible study that I was leading was Mark 10. There is a passage in this chapter where Jesus rebukes his disciples for pushing away the children. Jesus says we need to receive the kingdom of God like a child to enter it. To be childlike in receiving the kingdom of God. What does that mean? I think for me, observing my daughter's joy at the simple celebration we had for her, made me realize that we put many, many conditions and artificial trappings around God's simple message: God loves me like a son because his son died for my sins. We make it out to be more and we don't revel in it's great message. We fee like we HAVE to do our quiet time a certain way, we HAVE to behave in a certain way, we HAVE to be such and such a person. All those things will flow from us as we grow in faith. But most importantly, we just need to believe and accept the very basic and simple message--God loves me. We need to be childlike and enjoy it for the simple and pure gift that it is.

Something that my wife brought up in studying this passage that week was that children trust wholeheartedly. They expect that their parents will provide for them on a daily basis. They don't store up and save for the next day. She made the illustration of how funny would it be if my older daughter was stealing food out of the refrigerator and hoarding it under her bed for a rainy day. But isn't this the way we treat our heavenly Father? We think that whatever is the refrigerator is all that he has to offer us, when in reality he has not just the refrigerator but an endless warehouse full of food for us. We need to trust that God provides for us, and that his storehouse of spiritual food never runs out. We need to be childlike in our trust and thus our receiving of his kingdom.

A heart undivided

I don't know when I came across this Psalm. It may have been while preparing for worship service one Sunday a few months back. But whenever my first encounter was, it has left a deep and permanent mark on me. It's so simple. "Give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name". Isn't that--in the proverbial nutshell--a precise and penetrating description of what the world calls the human condition? We're always searching, seeking, looking for fulfillment and significance, and yet all the things in our hearts can't give us what we're searching for. Our hearts are pulled in so many directions because it is by nature divided. How beautiful to think though that IF our hearts were undivided, we'd be able to do the one thing that would and does give us ultimate pleasure and satisfaction and significance. We'd be able to fear/be in awe/revere/praise/worship the one and true living God.